I wanna bring you to show and tell
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
