I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
