Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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