I hate your face
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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