God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
