I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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