we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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