dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
