there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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