i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
