first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
