Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
