you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
