he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Terrible idea I love it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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