Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
no more duck duck goose at the bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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