I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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