Just fell off a train. Bad.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
