Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
