I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
