I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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