Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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