I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
