Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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