i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
