Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
