Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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