I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
