someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
