I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
