no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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