drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
