Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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