I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You took a bar mat shot.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They took my balls.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
