I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
