Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
