We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
