I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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