Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
