I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
