i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
