ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
