I looked at my own cervix.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
