i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Randomize
