No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
