to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
