i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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