The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
