I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
