I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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