I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
