I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
