i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
