I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
