he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
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You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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