thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I believe in your delicious
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
