I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
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Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
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I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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