I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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