I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I need a beard to bite.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
