I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
