i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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